the tao of men’s emotional & spiritual health

Jul 10, 2016 | Other Popular Teachings

the-tao-of-mens-health

summary

The month of June has seen both Father’s Day celebrations and National Men’s Health Week in the UK. This has prompted me to share some teachings on my work supporting male clients and their physical, emotional and spiritual health.

In this interview I offer practical advice for men wanting to nurture their health and happiness, and for women seeking to understand the emotional mindset of the men in their life.

I also explore the relevance of a spiritual approach to resolving the everyday problems and challenges that men are faced with…

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full teaching transcript

David James Lees:

I wanted to share with you my experience and thoughts on men’s health and their physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing…

In my practice I’ve traditionally treated men mainly for physical health issues, such as pulled muscles, difficulty with their joints etc. but I’ve also noticed that more recently, men in general seem to be much more open to addressing their emotional issues and are grasping the fundamental connection between their emotions and their physical health. Men are now more happy and comfortable to use the emotional label: ‘stress’ in relation to their feelings and this is now often the first reason why they come to see me.

A lot of men feel stressed trying to meet the demands of the workplace and home and balancing the two together. This is particularly true since we’ve been through this recent very difficult economic and financial time and a lot of men have been either under the threat of redundancy or their own company has been under extreme financial pressure.

For many of my male clients these sorts of situations are very difficult to reconcile and balance and a lot of them feel that they have no one they can talk to or relate their concerns and fears without being perceived as ‘being weak’. As a result they experience the uncomfortable and often seemingly overwhelming physical feelings that we commonly call ‘stress’.

Learning how to lovingly control and discipline your mind and your thinking when going through very testing times and life situations is one of our greatest challenges as human beings.

If, as a man, you hold the belief that you must always be strong, successful and unflappable in any situation, because everyone else depends on you, this misunderstanding can make life very difficult for you at times. Ironically such beliefs block your flow of energy and will stifle your inner creativity and resourcefulness when you actually need it most.

Of course, if as a man you’ve never been taught how to question your beliefs and control any unbalanced and unhealthy thinking or negative self-talk that may arise from these beliefs, it can seem difficult or time wasting to do so at first.

So a normal session with a male client would be something like them coming to me wanting to talk about their ‘stress’ in whatever form, and then hopefully we can quickly move to a place where we can explore what is at the root of these feelings.

I show them how, by choosing to reject any unhealthy and unhelpful beliefs and take control their thinking they can easily and quickly neutralise and balance their emotional feelings. This is the most efficient and effective way to control your emotional feelings.

Once they understand this teaching and how to return to their most authentic, open and creative state of Wu Wei – that place of authentic inner balance and harmony, they can easily apply it to any life situation for themselves.

This process of self-discovery and self-mastery is very practical and straightforward (which men love!), and can be incredibly liberating and powerful for any man who has otherwise been used to ignoring, withholding, and suppressing their feelings or being overwhelmed by their emotions.

It can be used and perceived as an emotional toolbox!

Why men should embrace & understand their emotions

So what are the consequences of not dealing with the underlying cause of ‘stress’ for a man?

Well… the suppressed energy of a man’s emotional avoidance has to go somewhere – the nature of all energy is that should flow. It cannot and should not be held in one place, and so it will manifest in other out– of -balance elements of their life or health.

Blocked emotional energy can present itself physically in many ways but it would normally be something like a stiffness in their neck and shoulders or lower back, digestive or sexual health problems, or an inability to have a good night sleep.

In terms of their lifestyle a man may be drinking and smoking too much or gambling as a form of emotional avoidance. They may be pulling themselves away from their family and home life, or creating a sense of isolation by working long hours in the office or bringing their work home with them and not be able to switch off.

Again, all these physical health or lifestyle issues are the type of things men often find easier to talk to me about in the first instance before we can comfortably move on to explore the much deeper or root emotional issues that need to be resolved.

In actual fact, some men may NOT initially consider their problems as emotional because they do not want to admit to it themselves. Many men are fearful that their emotions could be seen as a weakness or failure within them and so they are much happier to talk in general terms about ‘stress’ or ‘not been able to sleep’ or ‘smoking or drinking too much’.

I believe that emotions are a Universal and natural feature of the human condition and that we are all part of this Oneness. When a man can grasp that emotions are not a weakness at all, but are actually a great strength, asset and powerful ally IF understood and used correctly then their whole outlook changes.

Emerging from the emotional cave and confronting emotional challenges

Occasionally a frustrated female client will ask me if there is merit in giving their partner or husband a copy of the popular book ‘Men are From Mars – Women Are From Venus’ by John Grey, in order to help their men work on their emotions … but there’s definitely no one-size fits all solution I’m afraid!

Some men could enjoy the book and they will see themselves in it and can relate to what is written… but I also think a lot of men would have difficulty in reading the book and would find it even more confusing.

The reason for this is that many men are looking for a practical fix for their problems and don’t want to identify or associate with other men’s ‘issues’ and the deeper emotional psychology of mankind!

Having said that, the concept presented in the book of a man ‘going into his cave’ is certainly something that I see men do a lot. When encountering a difficult or threatening situation a man will often isolate himself in order to focus on the perceived problem at hand.

This is often done because they believe that they can’t rely on or trust anyone else to deal with the situation, and so they become very single-minded and narrowly focussed on the problem. But this also means they start to overlook and limit all of the possible scenarios, solutions and outcomes to a situation.

In these situations I would encourage them to learn to trust that venturing out of their ‘emotional cave’ can be a good thing! Being more open and talking to someone else can often open up more possibilities and bring about a swifter and more positive resolution to life’s challenges.

It’s for this reason that some practical one-to-one coaching and guidance can really help men in these sorts of situations.

I often refer to it as ‘sitting with it’. I like to sit in the middle of the problem or issue with my male clients, whether it’s in a face-to face session with me at Peak House Practice in Derbyshire or a Skype session with a client someone 1000’s of miles away. We then drill down and shine a torch-light on the route strands of the situation in hand and then kick around several ideas and solutions until we find one that feels right for them.

I always remind them that if you have only one solution, you have a problem. Two solutions you have a dilemma, three or more solutions you have authentic choice!

These tailor made outcomes are bespoke to each client and this can feel more comfortable for my male clients who don’t want to be offered a generalised stereotype or a mass market solution to an problem that is very personal to them.

They can then go away try out and test some of the practical steps, then come back, give me their feedback and we can tweak and adjust the next steps and actions accordingly to make it good fit for them.

By using this process, their emotional intelligence and emotional mastery skills become honed and crafted into a balanced, harmonious and well-oiled-machine that serves them well for many years to come!

The role of spirituality in men’s health and happiness

So what place has spirituality within men’s practical health and life issues?

I believe all matters of emotional and physical balance and harmony are spiritual issues… I think a lot of men have great difficulty in embracing the idea of their own spirituality, compared to women who often find exploring their spirituality far easier.

Many men have been bought up in an environment and taught that they ‘should be tough‘, that ‘boys don’t cry‘, that ‘they should pull themselves together‘ and ‘not be a sissy‘ etc.

So I think that one of the greatest challenges I have with my male clients is to explain to them that, no matter how well meaning, these are poor and even incorrect teachings, and that connecting to their spirituality means having integrity and being truthful and honest with themselves and how they life their life.

Being spiritual is not about being religious, nor is it about what many people think of as New-Age mumbo-jumbo, it’s actually about believing, thinking and doing what feels authentically right for you, NOT what is or was right for your parents, teachers, peers or significant others your life.

Taoist’s teach that the male energy is naturally is more Yang than that of a female – taken to its extreme this means a propensity for being loud, boisterous, extroverted and showing off, or of course the direct opposite. But this too can be a generalisation and stereotype and so this is why I prefer to diagnose and treat each client on an individual basis.

It can, however, be useful for some of my male clients to understand the qualities and characteristics of Yang and to teach them how not to overstimulate this energy but instead bring it back into a balance by encouraging them to cherish and explore the softer and more thoughtful and loving qualities of their energy.

This teaching has also been useful for many of my clients who are parents to boys. Many parents will ask me for advice on nurturing their children’s spirit and energy and I believe the key, whether it be for boys or girls, is to encourage their individuality and self-expression.

Every human being has an element of self-doubt so as early as possible a parent should try and deal with this seed of doubt. Talk it through with your child… help them understand they will make mistakes, they don’t have to be perfect, and that above all else they are divine! Remember: expectations or criticism never motivate and will only serve to inflame their self-doubt.

Empowerment for many men comes from freeing themselves from the heavy shackles of the male stereotype which has been forced on them from external sources throughout their life and allowing themselves to reconnect with a much more powerful force within: their true spiritual nature.

This spiritual nature is the Yin part of all of us. It is the most dominant, resourceful, creative and creative force within – it is who you REALLY are.

The rest of the fears, comparisons, achievements, are is merely an illusion constructed by the human Yang mind or what some people call the Ego – this is what separates you from the Oneness of everyone else and the Cosmos and makes you fearful and insecure.

When a man can reconnect to his spiritual nature this will provide him with an unwavering and a solid anchor and guide during any uncharted and challenging times in his life. Their Yin spiritual nature is soft and yielding, it does not shout, scream or push excessively or aggressively like the Yang mind does, yet it get things get done! Remember softness does not mean weakness – the Taoist teaching is the Yin part of us is ‘the iron fist in a velvet glove’!

Many men ask me how can being spiritual help with the practical, real life problem they are facing right now.

Well, when I counsel and coach men on finding the healthy and harmonious Wu Wei balance in their life situations, whether it’s dealing with a particular family or relationship matter, or resolving a cash flow or staffing problem in their business, we are also dealing with a practical spiritual matter!

We are working at first unblocking and defining their spiritual energy or Qi (Chi) and balancing and harmonising this with the spiritual energy of their partner, other family members, their business, its assets or staff.

This means that the spiritual energy and intention they put into their relationship or business should be a true and authentic reflection of who they are and what they are passionate about. Once this is in order we then working towards nurturing the dynamic energy of the relationship or business so that it flows as smoothly and harmoniously as possible.

This is what I refer to as Wu Wei, the state of effortless-effort.

Yi Tao Qi Tao,

David

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