fight the fury: anger management, ageing & the menopause
Yours Magazine asked us for our expert advice on emotional health and anger issues related to ageing and the menopause.
We work with many female clients who struggle with both emotional and physical health problems related to natural hormonal changes as they grow older. In this interview, David James Lees shares his guidance on the typical causes of heightened and often uncharacteristic levels of anger and frustration in women who are 50+, and how to manage these unwelcome emotions.
Feelings of frustration and anger can sometimes unexpectedly increase in frequency and intensity as you get older. This change in temperament and mood can be triggered by changes in your physical and emotional health, often coupled with lifestyle changes… “
full interview
why do i feel angry and frustrated?
How common are anger problems in older women?
Anger is a natural emotion that can be experienced by anyone at some point in their life. Feelings of frustration and anger can sometimes increase in frequency and intensity as you get older.
The sheer unexpected force of the emotion of anger can be surprising. If left unmanaged, anger can be like a volcano violently erupting. Anger outbursts can be even more shocking and upsetting when they occur in a person who is normally calm and mild-mannered.
What causes these feelings of anger and frustration?
In my professional experience, this change in temperament and mood can typically arise for three main reasons:
#1 Physical health and hormones changes
Part of a women’s natural and unique life journey involves the passage through the menopause when your hormones are readjusted and rebalanced.
The symptoms of menopause, such as hot flushes, night sweats, disturbed sleep patterns and mood swings, can be very physically and emotionally testing and can result in feelings of frustration, anger or depression.
#2 Emotional health and lifestyle changes
As you get older, your established beliefs, personal identity and lifestyle, are often challenged, or change is forced upon you. These life transitions need to be carefully navigated and managed, rather than fought against or resisted, otherwise feelings of frustration or anger can arise.
For instance, perhaps you believe your role as a hands-on and nurturing mother or partner is no longer needed or valued, when your children leave home or if you find yourself without a partner. Or, perhaps you once enjoyed an active work and social life, but in retirement, you find that your diary is not so hectic or exciting, or that your life purpose is no longer so clearly defined.
Periods of upheaval and uncertainty like this can be very difficult and so it is understandable that, during any phase of healthy readjustment, you may find it harder to balance your emotions and experience feelings of frustration and anger.
#3 A combination of physical, emotional and lifestyle changes
When hormonal changes coincide with a dramatic shift in your lifestyle, this is like a double-whammy that can significantly impact your emotional balance and health. It is a potent cocktail that can create inner-confusion and turmoil and associated feelings of anger, overwhelm and hopelessness.
To overcome any negative emotions, you must address the physical and emotional/lifestyle causes. For many of my clients, just tackling one of these issues, for example, physical hormonal changes by taking medication such as HRT, can be unsuccessful because they have not fully dealt with the other emotional or lifestyle issues that are also affecting them.
how anger affects your quality of life
How can anger affect my emotional balance and overall wellness?
Instead of living an authentic and natural life and taking full self-responsibility for your personal growth, health and happiness, uncontrolled anger can make you reactionary and a prisoner to your emotions.
When this happens, your emotions begin to control you – you do not control them, and this can negatively impact every aspect of your life.
How do I recognise when my anger is becoming a problem?
Typical signs include:
You become less patient and accepting or more resentful, of people or situations that in the past would not have bothered you.
You begin to withdraw from or push loved ones away. Your circle of friends may reduce as your tolerance levels drop and your lack of compassion and empathy becomes more obvious to them.
You find yourself making awkward excuses for why you have responded or acted angrily and out of character, offering justifications such as: “I don’t know why I said/did that”.
You become more physically tense and unable to relax.
You become tearful and cry more often when the internal pressure becomes too great.
how to manage your anger
How can I manage my anger and frustration?
There is a saying I share with my clients: ‘you can’t change what you don’t understand’. So, an important first step is to take the time to explore what is causing your anger. Talk to your partner, a trusted friend or therapist if you need to.
It helps to understand that your emotions are just physiological sensations and that the underlying cause of any emotion lies elsewhere. Learn to separate your emotions from what is creating them, then address the root cause of the problem.
Often my clients misunderstand the nature of their emotions and view themselves as a ‘victim’ of their emotions. They believe they cannot to manage or control their feelings, but this is not true!
Do not become frustrated or critical of yourself because of your anger issues as this will only make matters worse. Be patient and kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would a loved one who needs support.
How can I help someone I love who has anger issues?
Keep calm and in control of your own emotions. Do not ‘fight fire with fire’ as this will only exacerbate the problem.
Do not criticise, compare or be judgmental of your loved one. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you love them. See beyond the current difficult situation and look at the bigger picture.
Understand that ‘this too will pass’. Know that this is just a moment in time where you can both learn and grow stronger in your relationship together. Adversity does not test you, it reveals you.
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